Still trying to find my way back to my thoughts after a rough spell recuperating from my various illnesses. The cancer begets a host of miseries, indeed sometimes the side effects seem the worst part of treating the disease. My intellectual coherence returned only recently and mostly it’s been a blessing. Though I still have a distinct sense that my life is ending, that my good fortune is running out. The period of wellness is also accompanied by much distress emotionally and has put enormous stress on my spouse and my family. Nothing seems to be easy anymore. But I am grateful I can think after a long spell of self doubt and delusion but I still of course have physical symptoms that are not good. So I find myself lost in the recovery lost in my own home at times. But the coherence is a blessing at least I can think and do somethings again.
I have been trying to get back to my art but it is slow going , fatigue neuropathy and pain are always near by and my organic bi-polar disorder is triggered still by stress and conflict. But I still feel I am able to express myself better. I have always adapted to limitations that have absorbed my time and sapped my energy, whether working jobs and gigs or many years of parenting 2 families. Now I just want to get things in order so I can leave the world and not hurt my people the people I love.
It has been hard to focus hard to decide what is most important. My art was always a priority but it has been diminished by not having key things like my health . I still think and express myself but death has a ways of always being part of the conversation. It has been painful to feel as if I may never get back to the life of making things. And the impact sometimes overwhelms. But I do try to think and act as I always have as an artist a creative person. I want to live as long as I can but I also would like to be better understood, my wife thinks I may life a long time, her optimism is refreshing but I am just trying to get through each day with less pain stress and misunderstanding. I feel like I am doing better but I also feel sad that I live under a cloud of indeterminacy. I think people have misunderstood my art for most of my life.
Time has always been my biggest obsession my subject my muse my destroyer. Like all artists I wish I had more time more time for art and life and love. Posterity can take a while to sort out things, I do feel like I was a truth teller. But now time is my entire life in a sort of cruel end game. I used my time and I am grateful for all my stolen moments, all my piles of pictures. And I am most grateful for love from all who love my art and from strangers who became lovers. And still I have tried to be always creative and curious about this mystery of time and art and love.