i feel down the basement staiirs 3 months ago and i'm still seemingly climbing back up those stairs to the life i left behind that January night. nothing remembered of the fall and it's aftermath waking in hospital in great distress and discomfort. my family deeply concerned my sense of what had happened only partially understood. BEWILDERMENT AND STRUGGLE and a distinnct sense of loss it felt as if i was given an afterlife. My dear wife spending her nights a 2 hospitals with me her concern written on her face, what has happened?
Surgery i don't recall shifting sceness faces various anxieties. Fear of my fate my future my present become a state of puzzling shades and shadows. my wife my love steady bringing me love concern advocting my case my self as only she knew me. Over the days a filtered light a reality more like film than life many elements unpleasant painful repetitive.
At a point into a rehab which promised an exit from all the out of focus reality a sort of hope of return. But even this proved elusive i wasn't walking one hand nearly useless weighing 150 pounds not nearly as strong or upbeat.What had become of my core self? i was living a shadow life on a wheelchair with one good hand to roll me. My life seemed shattered as if i'd spent my remaining days tring to restore my sense of who i was what had i done.My wife's love my family sustained me through my doubts my shade,but i was still more lost than found. in the midst of this storm i discovered my best self in my spouse's portrait of me. Her kind view of me took hold, i felt deep her care for myself in her perceptions of me. finally i was known in a more benevolent guise. the experience helped me appreciate my long and enduring belief in human love. I still struggle but do feel as if i'm not alone that someone gets me, someone finds a more decent being in me someone worthy of sustained love not a mere cliche or anomally. ? yes love is the tale of art and artists at least as a form of preserving a higher deeper culture my hope was always to be remembered as a contributor not as just trouble. it's love as witness and it's thanks for insights.