Sickness seems to be the state of affairs today and in recent days. Pushing myself to no good end no profit merely exhaustion and angst. The future now seems more bleak each day , as if this final chapter is apt to be tragic in the immense grief of our worlds gone very wrong. Art seems a feeble thing now a sort of universal chaos with little sense or nonsense just a last twinkling of old stars. I tried to make invisible things brighten, make some temporary spectacle of the most personal kind. Perhaps I succeeded late at night in the deep darkness as I moved my fluorescent flash light around the long room. It was as if the discovery is yet to come some posthumous unraveling of all these bits and pieces glowing in the dark purple nearly invisible glow. I always wanted to take apart my pictures, first was cutting them, I cut a lot of pictures paintings into pieces and I did not intend them to be puzzles. I wanted to find a way out of pictures and painting and images. Like an escape from painting beautiful colors in just the most lovely positions. The portraits made of necessity to generate interest and income , a trickle really never quite enough . But I found this disassembling there to as if my mission was to never be pinned down to a particular appearance but rather to always be searching for some small surprises partly accidents partly insane intentions to discover some magical spectacle some kind of never saw that sort of discovery.
Of course we fail more than we succeed. Experiments are by their nature often repetitive and yielding precious little rewards. But one digs and digs repeats patterns and makes slight variations hoping against hope that some new vision will appear. All luck really and obsession no style as such just trying to go under into some place without quite a plan. Not completely arbitrary but fulsome like swimming underwater in daylight filtered through algae . The darkening is something I have seen before in so many paintings of older painters like a blindness of nearing death. But I wished a glow like those creatures deep in the sea who have light biological light. So when I see this I think oh this is so beautiful so ephemeral so temporary like the flash of falling in love or a fire starting to swell. And it was very satisfying . It was a broken beauty of glowing colors in darkness describing a long narrow room I have inhabited for nearly 20 years. that was my moment my treasure my reward. Will it ever exist like that again ? Perhaps some one will try to put the pieces together and see whatever it was I saw exhausted and broken , old and aching but still finding pleasure in the l colored light amidst the waning of my days.