January 10-11, 2021 3 years since I fell down the stairs tonight.


I thought I might have something worth saying tonight but I really don’t . Still struggling with the aftermath of my fall down the stairs to the basement,I broke my neck and both wrists. I was in the hospital then another hospital then rehab. Along the way they discovered I had kidney cancer which as turns out hasn’t killed me as yet but it has been trying!  I have written about this several times on my blogs and in emails and in my journals. Indeed it has been a very up and down sort of trip. Thanks to my spouse I am alive her caretaking has been a key to my survival. It has been painful and humbling to suffer through all the treatments and personal troubles.I go day by day trying to do what I can to stay in touch with my art working and my self care. I have a bi-polar disorder which was triggered by the steroids that were necessary after immunotherapy . That may have been the worst part of my recovery. I had not been in a psych hospital in many years and I was in a facility where I was over medicated and struggled to get out of, that was something that tore my family apart. Misunderstanding and bad behaviors isolated my spouse and i from our children and grand children. My boys just were very mean to my spouse blaming her for my nervous collapse, scapegoating her without an understanding of what we had been going through. That isolation continues and has been made worse by the pandemic. We saw a therapist regards this breakdown of family but it just seems be more than we can manage and take care of our selves and each other, I am 76 years old and my spouse is nearly 66. We try our best to be loving and understanding towards one another but sometimes we struggle with our isolation and grief about our children and our sense of loss.

 We have both done art exhibitions during this period sometimes together sometimes solo. We both try to keep our work alive and central to our lives. We have had some successes with our portraits and our interactions as artists sharing our lives together. Much falls on my spouse who is younger and really having a career peak later in her life. I have been let down some by not being able to connect with gallerists and curators the way I once did. For a while now my shows seem more like histories than contemporary exhibitions. I have sort lived into a new world a future that befuddles me at times.I feel I am doing very important work now but I don’t seem to be quite able toto be seen as a contemporary as much as a survivor. Same for my spouse who made some big changes  in her art working that are in some ways a return to the origins of her art working as a young person who like so many was discouraged from becoming an artist by her family. 
  Anyway I just wanted to mark this anniversary by writing a bit about where I am now. And more importantly to express my gratitude to my partner and everyone who has helped me stay alive and shown an interest in my well being and my art work. We are doing ok some days are wonderful other times sadness about our personal losses and the sad state of the world these days can get the best of us. I love my kids my grand kids my friends and most of all my life with my lover. I hope to stay alive longer and to be able to live happily for whatever time I have. I am really blessed to have the life I have now in a curious way this has been a good time amidst all our troubles. Every day I am happy to be alive and to have a home and a sense of wellness about my life. Hopefully the successes we have had will continue I still have much to do before I rest. Thanks.