Lately I think about life as a tour and as you age you start your farewell tour before you vanish forever.
I've lost alot of friends along the way, I had a psychiatrist Dr. Coldmorning ( he saw me for free and gave me my lithium for free )anyway he told me how Bi-Polar people have trouble with relationships romantic and otherwise. This was comforting I think because as a teacher I knew many people and not many of them for long times save some of the Artpolice gang and some old pals from Chicago. And a few people who I really liked and looked forward to talking with and seeing now and then. I never understood why this dysfunction was particular to Bi-Polar people. I know some of it is just time and how time transforms us and success too is often hard on friendships, my friend Joe Zucker let go of our friendship in 1989 and I had a long relationship with him going back to art school in the mid 1960's. In some ways I understand Joe's behavior and I accepted the outcome though to me it was the old problem of being frank with wrong person. Joe and I were artist friends not so much friends like casual pals, we were ambitious artists in our youth and we both had very different lives. I admire Joe and his art but long before the break I knew it was not good Joe was very successful in New York and he was able to doi ambitious work and not have to teach much. He's brilliant his analysis of contemporary art is spellbinding. He was an inspiration for me like Peter Saul was only more long term. A couple of my first professional exhibitions were thanks to Joe's aegis and the group show at Silverstein Gallery I always recall because it was in the old Biograph Theater in Chicago wher John Dillinger, Public Enemy No. 1 was killed and where Joseph Beuys had his photo taken on his 1974 US tour. Beuys liked being thought of as a bad ass hence his racoon coat and big cigars. Anyway I miss Joe I disagree with his judgement but I respect it. /////// Part of it devolves to a remark the late Gus Gustafson made to me during a photo shoot. It was me complaining about a womanfriend and Gus reminded me in a amusing manner that I had more partners than most gents. And this reminds me first to think that Bi-Polars are more sexual than normal folks, indeed it's hard to kill yourself when you have lots of sexual pleasure, yes sex is an antidepressant! Or at least it's a distraction from one's fate or problems ( insert John Lydon singing Problems, the problem is you!) . It's the opposite of the pleasure postponement principle, a good art worker sacrifices everything for their art it's related to the Protestant work ethic and Hitler's infamous work makes you free (the biggest lie ever!). My father was born in Europe and he was more helpful with my interest in existentialism than Sarte or Camus, my Dad was a drunken wild man. He spent the war years in Trinidad rather than fight in Roosevelt's great war against Facism. I admired his balls in getting his ass out of the war and I did the same when I was drafted , I would not fight much less die for corporate amerika. I wanted to make art and I was lucky I played my cards better than Uncle Sam, I wound up here with a teaching job that bearly paid enough to live on and 5 hours from Canada if it came to that. ///// And this maybe the reason I'm still alive or not in an institution. You have to take risks to live and to make art as well even more so because Amerika is not interested in art say as much as football or pornography or fashion. Art is very slippery. It waxes and wanes. Today's hero is tomorrow's fool and the fickleness of the rich is another factor that multiplies the risk. I think the art schools are dishonest because if they told the truth they would have fewer students. But it's the liberal democracy where everyone has a chance at success which is at base another lie with good intentions. More honest a prescription would be to survive you must be ruthless , you must use any means necessary to survive (Caravaggio murdered someone to keep his freedom). And make no bones about it doesn't sit well with the moralists , the keepers of the temple so you wind up suffering your own decision to keep at it. I say boy I am tired of all the recieved wisdom we do what we need to do to eat to and to make our work, the work changes as the world changes. Art making is a rather intellectual process the studio is a laboratory at times. We are looking for something that is hard to describe, a kind of experiment which may not always bear fruit. No I miss my old friends who are gone but I know that's the way life is and if you want to make art you just may not be easy to live with - your behavior may be at odds with your society but hey without the risk taking no David Wojnarowicz , no way home it's as if we only can survive by not being afraid to speak our minds. Fear is a terrible thing but freedom is more important to artists than success . Freedom is an experiment. Just remember how Nietzsche wrote about the herd. Artists leave the flock, they try to make work in the face of an indifferent audience. Which is maybe why the greatest common thread between artists is the love of art.